It’s February 2000, and while the rest of the country is still basking in the afterglow of the Millennium, I am sat on the back doorstep of my house convinced I’m having a heart attack.
After what seemed like hours, but was probably only minutes perhaps only seconds, I came back round. OK, so I wasn’t dead, but what on earth had just gone on?
It was much later that I found out it wasn’t a physical problem and that I’d had a panic attack.
Then things started to add up.
My mum had died quickly and unexpectedly 3-months previously, my relationship had ended shortly afterwards, I had moved to a new house a month previously with my now ex-partner and I was doing a job I hated.
All these factors were intrinsically linked.
Add to that mix the fact that I’d moved to a new area and so was away from my support network of family and friends and you have the perfect recipe for a panic attack and the bout of depression that followed.
Not that I recognised it at the time. My mum had suffered from anxiety, but I was a coper. Or so I thought.
I had to face facts and realise that my usual coping strategy of just carrying on regardless wasn’t going to work this time.
I had no choice but to take some time off. In the months that followed I took myself apart and pieced myself back together and in doing so became a different, bigger, more courageous, empathic and resilient version of me.
I met new people, made new friends, took up new hobbies, found a new job, spent time with my family, learned reflexology, reiki and yoga all of which required a greater self-awareness than I was used to (or comfortable with at that time!).
It was painful and liberating in equal measure and now, with the benefit of many years hindsight, I see it as a pivotal point in my life. Of course, I wish my mum was still here, but other than that I regret nothing about this time in my life.
Here is what I learned:
1. It’s ok to get help
I had no choice but to reach out for help. I wasn’t used to this. I was usually the one other people reached out to. Now the tables were turned. Who do I ask? What do I tell them?
I embarked on a series of counselling sessions with my “you’ll only get out what you’re willing to put in” attitude. I opened up to the counsellor, even when it sounded crazy in my own head.
Years of “coping” got stripped away and out of this emerged a new, empathic, more open, more truthful and more vulnerable model of my former self.
It was a humbling experience and one which was invaluable.
2. It’s ok to take time out
I’d never taken time out from work or my life before. I had no choice now. I could barely function and I certainly didn’t have the resilience I needed to survive in the highly political, ambitious, corporate world I worked in.
So, I stopped working.
Arrrrggghhh! Would I ever work again? Surely career women can’t appear vulnerable and still succeed? What am I going to do now?
What I did next was take the time to rebuild myself and regain my confidence then I went back out into the working world and carried on with my career. The only difference being that I now choose to work in an environment where the company culture and behaviours are more aligned with my own values.
I was happier all round as a result.
3. You’ll get through it
I had some dark days, but they weren’t all dark. Even on the most difficult days I knew that there was light at the end of the tunnel, even if I couldn’t see it.
I knew I’d get through it, I just didn’t know when. So, I stopped being in a rush. I stopped planning my recovery as if it were a project at work that I’d get fired for if I didn’t deliver it on time.
I took my time and trusted myself.
The dark days began to be less frequent and gradually they faded into memory and my inner sunshine returned.
4. Never underestimate the value of good friends
It’s true that you find out who your friends are. I’d just moved to a new area so my long-term friends were miles away. Whilst we’d all dispersed after university, we were still in regular contact. It’s just very difficult to start a conversation about depression……
I started to make new friends in the area that I’d moved to. They met me as an injured animal and nursed me back to health until I was ready to be returned into the wild. But I wasn’t a victim and they weren’t the carer. It was more balanced than that and over the years I’ve known them I’ve been able to repay that loyalty and kindness as they’ve been on the rollercoaster we call life.
I will be forever grateful. These new friends were there for me every bit as much as my well-established friends, and in some cases more.
It just goes to show that it’s not how long you’ve known someone that counts.
5. You’ll never be the same again and that’s a good thing
Depression can happen to anyone. At any time.
The only thing for sure is that you’ll never be the same again.
And that’s a good thing, because it means that you’ve done the hard work to pull yourself through it. Through the discomfort of discovering you, your barriers, your limiting beliefs, your issues and foibles.
Once you’ve done that it’s impossible just to re-join your life where you left off as if you’ve just popped out of the room to make a cuppa during an advert break.
And your future self will thank you for that.
It is possible to find your way back from depression, anxiety & panic attacks and back to mental health. Sometimes we simply get a bit stuck and need some help. If that’s you and you’d like to chat to me about how I can help you, then please contact me here